My therapy

I started this blog a year ago as a way to let others inside my head...a chance for my medical friends to see my triathlon life, a chance for my triathlon friends to see my medical life, and a chance for my family to see why I don't have kids yet.

This has been a rough week for me.  Nothing in particular about it, no traumatic events or anything serious but simply the mounting pressures of multiple good stressors that I'm ashamed to say I haven't handled as well as I could have.  I hesitate with this post because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining.  This is small stuff.  Even the triathlon--not really all that serious.  Sure it is a life goal and I want to do well, but in today's world of violence, poverty, illness, raising kids and other responsibilities others, this stuff is peanuts.

Today, a great mentor of mine said "You really don't look good.  You looked stressed."  I knew that, but it helped to hear her say it and I appreciated the bluntness.  I was letting minor things get to me and not handling it as well as I could.  Since starting this blog, I haven't posted twice in a day.  Nor do I routinely wake at 4 am to post on my blog, but the past few nights I've woken up at 3am, not to train, but simply because my mind would wander.  My good friend Charle has said he thoroughly enjoyed my race report from last year because of the "ramblings of the mind during such an intense event".  Today my head is again reeling.  Forgive me for my venting, I just need to get some stuff out, clear my head, and hopefully refocus.

In setting up my race plan, I make two columns of what I may encounter on race day: in one is the things I can control and the other, the things I can't.  I actually expect to encounter these and prepare for them in that way.  For the things I can control I write beside with what I will do to overcome it.  The second column I simply remind myself if these things arise, remain calm and go with it because there is nothing I can do about it.  I need to take that approach now as I have been consumed this week worrying about things that are beyond my control and not moving forward with clear vision with the things I can't.  Things weighing on my mind:

What I cannot control:
1. When my prenatal patients deliver and how it will effect training and other plans
2. The weather outside preventing swim or bike workouts
3. Fellowship interviews that I may or may not get
4. When the institutional review board (IRB) will approve my research studies so I can actually start the research

What I can control:
1. Fellowship applications--finish the application this weekend
2. Irregularities in my workouts from work--I am not a professional triathlete, I do have a job that is ultimately more important and sometimes, it is okay for that to alter my workouts. 
3. Irregularities in my workouts from weather--it is not safe for me to bike in the dark in 48 degree rain.  Be flexible, there are other options.  Given the impending rain showers and temps, tomorrow's workout will be 4 hours on the bike trainer followed by an hour on the treadmill with a focus on "hillwork" and adapting to heat.
4. Setting up fellowship interviews.  The next few months will be very busy.  When fellowship interview invitations come, don't worry about my schedule so much.  Just admit my available days and be open and honest about what I can and cannot do.
5.  If the IRB needs more information, simply be patient, get the work done as efficiently as possible and wait for the next step.  This is a tough one for me as it involves not really restructuring my study, but restructuring the piece of paper that the words are written on. 
6.  Buying a car--decide what I want/need, find a good value, and get it.  Don't belabor the decision. 


Restructuring my outlook

I had an epiphany about 4 weeks ago while riding my bike, a finally realized what many have discovered previously.  I was riding the same hill as I had many times before and I thought the hill was long, tough, and I always dreaded approaching it.  On this particular day the goal of the workout was to attack the hills with sharp intensity so I was looking forward to that particular hill as it would be an opportunity to get stronger.  On this day, I climbed swiftly over the hill with ease.  It was a very stark reminder that my outlook completely determines my performance and my enjoyment of the process.  When I see a challenge in the road, will I look at it as an obstacle or a chance for improvement?

To steal a quote I probably came across from Successories or some other motivational calendar, "Trials are not enemies of faith but opportunities to prove one's faithfulness."

This week I had many minor challenges; rather than seeing these things as a way for me to be a better, more well-rounded person, I saw everything as an obstacle standing in my way and that took the fun out of it.  Just minutes ago, my brother sent me a text that he was reminiscing about high school, apparently reliving his glory years while looking at his yearbook.  He was 3 years ahead of me and always (well, mostly) a great example for me.  An example of what I could and couldn't get away with by Mom and Dad primarily but also an example of who I wanted to be like.  We were certainly very close as I was always a tight shadow.  In his senior yearbook 16 years ago, at the end of my freshman year I apparently wrote "Have fun doing it or it's not worth doing."  I have no idea how he thought to send that to me know but it certainly strikes a cord.

This coming week I will be stronger with the reminder that I am very fortunate to be fulfilling a life dream in a few weeks.  I get to do a job I love and am rewarding handsomely with great friends and continual learning that come along with it, and I have amazing family and friends in my corner who want nothing more for me than to do well in Hawaii.  What strikes me as interesting about this is that most people don't even know how I will define success in this race; they just want me to do well for me.  That is really humbling to me.  They don't care about the hours, minutes, or seconds I will be undoubtedly be judging myself by; they already see it as a success.

What I really love about racing, whether it be a 5K for a newer runner or a marathon or an ironman, is that the accomplishment is done away from the crowd of the race itself.  It is in the preparations where success is found, the accepting an internal challenge and telling yourself/myself, I can be better than what I am at this moment.  This goes for many things in life and certainly not exclusive here.  It is simply very noticeable to me and why I get just as excited talking with my friends/family/patients/strangers who start running or take on a new challenge than I am to even talk about ironman racing.  I've stated before the Ironman title is something you earn while preparing for the race, rather than the race itself.  This year has been difficult.  I've struggled to stay focused on training, work, relationships just the same as others do.  My body is weathered, my mind aching.  I am afraid of failing at Kona.  I'm mostly afraid of looking back at this year and thinking the tradeoff I've taken from everything else in life may not be worth it if I don't get the results I want.  I think this is a common fear by anyone who in their adult life commits to something not exactly mainstream.  But I don't think fear is a bad thing, and I don't think admitting fear is either.  Certainly it makes me vulnerable for others to know this, but again, if this is worth your time in reading, then you deserve to know the true ramblings in my mind as race day approaches.

I feel very blessed to have made it this far relatively unscathed and know how lucky I am to have the opportunity to be at that start line.  Again, thank you to those supporting me with calls, emails, texts, conversations, etc: Melissa, Jon, Dad, Todd (you've always been an inspiration), Jon, Dave (can't tell you how much I appreciate the help), Kate, Charle, Jess, Heather, Chris, Jonathan, Crotteau, there are many others--this is just in the past 3 or 4 days so I want to highlight them, thank you.  It really means a lot.

With this post, I'm certainly not trying to be woeful because everything I talked about here are certainly good stressors and all of this pales to the real problems people deal with on a daily basis, but getting this stuff out has been therapeutic for me.  Thanks for reading.