Struggles

I’ve been debated about writing this next post for the past few days.  Melissa gave me a journal a few weeks ago to write my thoughts about this coming year.  It’s easy to write in because it’s simply a rambling of my thoughts without consequence of who may be reading & judging my words.  But if I want this blog to have significance, I need to include real substance of what really goes on not only in training but also in life and some of the difficulties I face at the hospital.  

That being said, I’m going to include an excerpt from my journal a couple days ago. 

…A rather tough week—for the past few weeks my mind goes back to 3 years ago when my mom was passing away.  It is still so surreal that she’s gone.  Yesterday (11/8) was 3 years—I hate being at the hospital on that day—it’s hard to focus; plus I somewhat like feeling sad about my mom, it makes me feel closer to her.  She is the reason—along with my dad—that my brother & I have the lives that we do today.  She instilled in us family first; had a great sense of humor; was fun to be around; taught me if you want something, to set a plan and go get it; inspired me to always continue learning when she got her Bachelor’s Degree at age 38 & then went after her Master’s all the while being an amazing mom and working full time.  She is one of my greatest inspirations. 

All the pictures I have of her don’t seem like it was that long ago.  She was really too young—only 50 years old when she passed.  I felt cheated in some ways.  She’s not here anymore; she’ll never meet my kids; I don’t have her ear to ask for advice—she was always so level-headed, the greatest confidant.  A lot of her favorite things I’m now developing a greater appreciation and respect for as I’ve grown further into adulthood.  These are things we didn’t have in common before but do now.  I wish I could enjoy those things with her.  She is why I chose the career path I did and feel like my greatest gift I can give others is to help them to lead a healthier lifestyle. 

…Last night (11/8) was one my toughest nights yet at the hospital.  A lady who was 36 weeks of gestational age came into the emergency room, then shuttled to the labor and delivery floor in active labor & fully expecting to deliver her 4^th child in mere minutes.  Once on L&D, no heart beat could be found and she had to be told right there—her husband still parking the car—that her baby was not alive.  Fifteen minutes later she delivered a stillborn fetus (whom likely passed days earlier) while having no understanding of what could have lead to this.  Her entire world changed in those few minutes.  Words can’t express that degree of sorrow.  To many questions…not enough answers.


Thinking about my mom, I thought back to a previous blog I kept for a promotional sight for Loyola University after my first year of med school as I was a part of a group of med students who took a trip to Nairobi and rural Uganda.  I will post a short excerpt of this as well:  

Written 5/27/07

From where do you get your inspiration?

Every person has a different story to tell, a different motivation for doing what they do. I was reminded of one of my motivations this past week. About two weeks ago, my dad called with the results of my mom's CT scan to help solve the source of her back pain. A week later I received the much-awaited call from my mom regarding the subsequent biopsy of one of her enlarged lymph nodes. After a deep breath from my mom, I knew the results before the words came out...

Cancer is one of those words when heard from a loved-one that changes your entire perspective in a heartbeat. I don't know if I really wanted an answer to my next question but asked anyway “What's the prognosis?”  Without missing a beat, “The prognosis is that I'm going to beat it again.”

That's my motivation. To look straight-faced into this horrible malady and say “I will overcome you”; is exactly the attitude it takes to overcome many of life's obstacles. Throughout this past week I've found myself sliding through each of the stages of acceptance figuring out what all of this means for my mom, for my family, and also for me.

Mom successfully overcame endometrial cancer two years ago (in 2005). She went through the anything but routine treatment of hysterectomy, chemo, and radiation and came out clean on the other side.  Now they say she has cancer cells in her lymph nodes that are from the uterus before they took it out.  So now she'll be getting chemo and radiation again.  Fortunately (and unfortunately) she knows what to expect with this all too well.  Why is it we take so much for granted until something substantial comes along that puts our lives back in focus?

To finish with a quote I know Mom would like:  “Don't tell God how big your storm is. Tell the storm how big your God is.”