Setting up the peak

At this point I'm trying to put on the finishing touches of my training year to maximize my performance in Hawaii.  Right now the physical part of it is relatively easy...the intensity is still high intermittently but the volume tapers.  Oftentimes, I think people (& myself in the past) with the taper are afraid to go with much intensity.  I've found what works best for me to not show up flat on race day is a cutting down the volume but keeping the intensity high about every 2 to 3 days, along with a couple of rest days that are to come next week.  The mental aspect is the greater challenge.  At this point it is easy to question if I'm ready, if I will be ready.  I certainly don't feel ready at this point.  My legs are still heavy and I'm still tired.  This should change over the next week.   

The focus the past week was getting acclimated to hills and heat.  I've done a few treadmill workouts, a few hill running workouts, and taken a couple Bikram yoga classes last week to get some time in warmer temps as I don't have access to a sauna and simply don't stretch enough.  Another aspect I'm working on right now is to cut down on my eating--especially the snacking and asking myself when I eat if I'm truly hungry or am I just eating out of habit.  People often gain weight in the taper and I still have about two pounds to lose in the next two weeks. 

Unfortunately this past week I've developed a slight sprain of one of the flexor tendons in my foot.  It doesn't bother me much but I had to take a couple days off running workouts last week in hopes for it to feel better and let me run unaltered for the next few weeks.  I don't foresee it bothering me on race day, I just need to be smart about what I'm doing and stay off my feet as much as possible the next two weeks.

Today was also a big day for packing.  Melissa & I leave this Saturday, followed closely by family/friends who are coming to watch the race as well.  That will give us a full week before the race the following Saturday to get acclimated to the surroundings/weather etc.

For just a brief update on the non-triathlon stressors of my last post...

1. Fellowship applications--all apps are in & I've received invites to interview at almost every program I applied to, just waiting for a couple more interviews to come in so I can finalize my interview schedule.
2. Work interruptions--fortunately my two prenatal patients both delivered this past week and I can plan out the rest of my schedule before leaving for Kona. 
3.  Research--the IRB has yet to approve either of my two studies & it looks like one may not happen until next spring if I don't hear in the next day or two.  Again, just need to worry about the things I do have control over.   4.  Buying a car--to pile something else on the plate, I did buy a car last week.  For the past two years, I've enjoyed (mostly) biking to work, usually either 11 or 16 miles round-trip.  It's great when the weather is nice but it is nice to have another option.  I'll still probably leave the car at home most days and bike to work as I just don't like sitting in traffic & I can often make it home faster than the flow of traffic during rush hour. For the rest of this week though, I will be driving as it is just safer than biking through the streets of Chicago.

So with the official countdown at 12 days, if there are any questions anyone wants to know, please leave a comment & I'd be happy to answer it.  Again, thank you all for the emails, calls, questions, and support that people have given me.  It is really nice to have the support!

My therapy

I started this blog a year ago as a way to let others inside my head...a chance for my medical friends to see my triathlon life, a chance for my triathlon friends to see my medical life, and a chance for my family to see why I don't have kids yet.

This has been a rough week for me.  Nothing in particular about it, no traumatic events or anything serious but simply the mounting pressures of multiple good stressors that I'm ashamed to say I haven't handled as well as I could have.  I hesitate with this post because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining.  This is small stuff.  Even the triathlon--not really all that serious.  Sure it is a life goal and I want to do well, but in today's world of violence, poverty, illness, raising kids and other responsibilities others, this stuff is peanuts.

Today, a great mentor of mine said "You really don't look good.  You looked stressed."  I knew that, but it helped to hear her say it and I appreciated the bluntness.  I was letting minor things get to me and not handling it as well as I could.  Since starting this blog, I haven't posted twice in a day.  Nor do I routinely wake at 4 am to post on my blog, but the past few nights I've woken up at 3am, not to train, but simply because my mind would wander.  My good friend Charle has said he thoroughly enjoyed my race report from last year because of the "ramblings of the mind during such an intense event".  Today my head is again reeling.  Forgive me for my venting, I just need to get some stuff out, clear my head, and hopefully refocus.

In setting up my race plan, I make two columns of what I may encounter on race day: in one is the things I can control and the other, the things I can't.  I actually expect to encounter these and prepare for them in that way.  For the things I can control I write beside with what I will do to overcome it.  The second column I simply remind myself if these things arise, remain calm and go with it because there is nothing I can do about it.  I need to take that approach now as I have been consumed this week worrying about things that are beyond my control and not moving forward with clear vision with the things I can't.  Things weighing on my mind:

What I cannot control:
1. When my prenatal patients deliver and how it will effect training and other plans
2. The weather outside preventing swim or bike workouts
3. Fellowship interviews that I may or may not get
4. When the institutional review board (IRB) will approve my research studies so I can actually start the research

What I can control:
1. Fellowship applications--finish the application this weekend
2. Irregularities in my workouts from work--I am not a professional triathlete, I do have a job that is ultimately more important and sometimes, it is okay for that to alter my workouts. 
3. Irregularities in my workouts from weather--it is not safe for me to bike in the dark in 48 degree rain.  Be flexible, there are other options.  Given the impending rain showers and temps, tomorrow's workout will be 4 hours on the bike trainer followed by an hour on the treadmill with a focus on "hillwork" and adapting to heat.
4. Setting up fellowship interviews.  The next few months will be very busy.  When fellowship interview invitations come, don't worry about my schedule so much.  Just admit my available days and be open and honest about what I can and cannot do.
5.  If the IRB needs more information, simply be patient, get the work done as efficiently as possible and wait for the next step.  This is a tough one for me as it involves not really restructuring my study, but restructuring the piece of paper that the words are written on. 
6.  Buying a car--decide what I want/need, find a good value, and get it.  Don't belabor the decision. 


Restructuring my outlook

I had an epiphany about 4 weeks ago while riding my bike, a finally realized what many have discovered previously.  I was riding the same hill as I had many times before and I thought the hill was long, tough, and I always dreaded approaching it.  On this particular day the goal of the workout was to attack the hills with sharp intensity so I was looking forward to that particular hill as it would be an opportunity to get stronger.  On this day, I climbed swiftly over the hill with ease.  It was a very stark reminder that my outlook completely determines my performance and my enjoyment of the process.  When I see a challenge in the road, will I look at it as an obstacle or a chance for improvement?

To steal a quote I probably came across from Successories or some other motivational calendar, "Trials are not enemies of faith but opportunities to prove one's faithfulness."

This week I had many minor challenges; rather than seeing these things as a way for me to be a better, more well-rounded person, I saw everything as an obstacle standing in my way and that took the fun out of it.  Just minutes ago, my brother sent me a text that he was reminiscing about high school, apparently reliving his glory years while looking at his yearbook.  He was 3 years ahead of me and always (well, mostly) a great example for me.  An example of what I could and couldn't get away with by Mom and Dad primarily but also an example of who I wanted to be like.  We were certainly very close as I was always a tight shadow.  In his senior yearbook 16 years ago, at the end of my freshman year I apparently wrote "Have fun doing it or it's not worth doing."  I have no idea how he thought to send that to me know but it certainly strikes a cord.

This coming week I will be stronger with the reminder that I am very fortunate to be fulfilling a life dream in a few weeks.  I get to do a job I love and am rewarding handsomely with great friends and continual learning that come along with it, and I have amazing family and friends in my corner who want nothing more for me than to do well in Hawaii.  What strikes me as interesting about this is that most people don't even know how I will define success in this race; they just want me to do well for me.  That is really humbling to me.  They don't care about the hours, minutes, or seconds I will be undoubtedly be judging myself by; they already see it as a success.

What I really love about racing, whether it be a 5K for a newer runner or a marathon or an ironman, is that the accomplishment is done away from the crowd of the race itself.  It is in the preparations where success is found, the accepting an internal challenge and telling yourself/myself, I can be better than what I am at this moment.  This goes for many things in life and certainly not exclusive here.  It is simply very noticeable to me and why I get just as excited talking with my friends/family/patients/strangers who start running or take on a new challenge than I am to even talk about ironman racing.  I've stated before the Ironman title is something you earn while preparing for the race, rather than the race itself.  This year has been difficult.  I've struggled to stay focused on training, work, relationships just the same as others do.  My body is weathered, my mind aching.  I am afraid of failing at Kona.  I'm mostly afraid of looking back at this year and thinking the tradeoff I've taken from everything else in life may not be worth it if I don't get the results I want.  I think this is a common fear by anyone who in their adult life commits to something not exactly mainstream.  But I don't think fear is a bad thing, and I don't think admitting fear is either.  Certainly it makes me vulnerable for others to know this, but again, if this is worth your time in reading, then you deserve to know the true ramblings in my mind as race day approaches.

I feel very blessed to have made it this far relatively unscathed and know how lucky I am to have the opportunity to be at that start line.  Again, thank you to those supporting me with calls, emails, texts, conversations, etc: Melissa, Jon, Dad, Todd (you've always been an inspiration), Jon, Dave (can't tell you how much I appreciate the help), Kate, Charle, Jess, Heather, Chris, Jonathan, Crotteau, there are many others--this is just in the past 3 or 4 days so I want to highlight them, thank you.  It really means a lot.

With this post, I'm certainly not trying to be woeful because everything I talked about here are certainly good stressors and all of this pales to the real problems people deal with on a daily basis, but getting this stuff out has been therapeutic for me.  Thanks for reading.

Crunch time

Getting down to almost 3 weeks left.  Goals for this past week things have been pretty simple:
1.  Don't get hurt.
2.  Get in a few high quality sessions.
3.  Cut back on my calories as to not gain weight--as mentioned before, I eat a lot with high volumes of training.  Now, with the training starting to be tailored back, I need to drop my calories in concordance.   This will take a lot of discipline.  We'll see if I can do it.
 4.  Things have been busy on the work front this week:  trying to get applications finished for my fellowship training next year (sports medicine), still trying to get 2 research studies through IRB (which is so close, but a painstaking process), and oh, yeah, there is that learning thing to be done as well.  On the exciting side of work, I am hoping to have a couple of my patients deliver babies in the next couple days.  While I will certainly not be doing obstetrical care as part of my regular practice in the future, I do really enjoy it now.  While it adds a little to the stress of being available at all times, within a 1/2 hr or so of the hospital, especially when still doing workouts still taking longer than that, there is nothing quite as exciting as seeing a family celebrating the birth of their child. 

Sorry for the brief post, just wanted to give an update on my focus this past week.  Thanks to those of you reading this.  I really feel honored to hear that people take a look at this and take time from their day to email or call or just ask about this journey.  It has been a somewhat trying week mentally for me and the emails and chats I had with people this week have been a needed boost--thanks.  A special thanks to my readers from Russia, Germany, and India...hah! this blog allows you to see where your readers are and at least one person in each of those places has clicked on my blog in the past couple weeks.  I'm sure it was by mistake but if not, thanks for reading. 

Wanted: New Friends

Throughout this year I have never second-guessed my commitment to doing this race.  I had a mandatory re-evaluation of this a week ago Saturday.  I decided to do an indoor workout on the trainer and after getting set-up, I embarked on what would be a 4 hour bike ride.  With my computer nearby to help pass the time, I started clicking through my email about 15 minutes into my  warmup when I opened the following.

Letter of Disqualification

My jaw dropped, my pedaling crawled, I was nauseous.  I re-read the email thinking how could this be?  How could they do this just 6 weeks before the race?  All the time over the past year spent training, the money paid by friends and family who would be traveling to Hawaii to support me during the race…all for nothing. 

I went into the bedroom to see if Melissa was awake, thankfully she had just awoken.  With my eyes in disbelief, my hand on my head, and my jaw still on the floor, I’m sure she thought someone had died.  “I’ve been disqualified” I muttered in shock.  We went to the Ironman Hawaii rules guide online for swimwear (which I've read no fewer than 30 times over the past year) which stated absolutely no neoprene.  I pulled my wetsuit but couldn’t find the materials on the label.  Next frantic stop was the wetsuit manufacturer’s website which state 5mm of neoprene!  “Yikes!  It was illegal.  I cheated!  How could I have let this happen?!?”  were some of the PG-rated thoughts racing through my head clouded in the emotion of what had just happened.

What to do now…how do I appeal?  Who do I call?  Is this actually real?  Where’s the contact list on the website to call or send an email?  Who is this President of Rules and Regulations, Charles Cone?  I did a Google search of the name and a few things came up but nothing that helped.  I certainly wouldn’t be able to find another race this late in the season.  Do I just show up and do the course the day before the race?  Do I just go up to Madison to race the course before the race?  Such an emotional letdown.  Again, how much time did I waste focusing energies towards this?  Certainly I’m in better shape now than ever before in my life, but at what cost?  There’s been less time for family, friends, nights out, work, reading, research, other life goals.  All of those have taken a hit to some degree because of my commitment to this single race.  I knew that going in and made that decision with the support of my family and still feel comfortable with it.  But now it was all for naught.

This went on for an hour or so making Melissa late for work.  As she was getting ready I still sat in disbelief looking over the letter.  I asked her to come take another look. 

1. The letter had a picture of me, but not of me in my wetsuit. 
2. It didn’t mention my specific wetsuit.
3. It was sent from a an email account "Iron Man" at ironmankona2012@gmail.com
4. I had received it at 1:30 am that morning. 
5. The letter was dated that same day, August 31.  (my math that this might be sent from Hawaii was completely backwards at the time of extreme emotion, otherwise this might have been a giveaway).

Melissa looked at the name again, Charles Cone.  “Would Charle Player and Jon Cone be behind this?”

Both were finishing up an overnight shift at the hospital.  I got on the phone immediately to check before launching into a daylong escapade of emails and phone calls.  I couldn’t decide who to call first…Charle who would fess up first…or Jon, who I wanted to yell at more?

I bit it.  100%.  I can’t believe how much I had fallen for it.  In the raw emotion of it I completely forgot the rules I had been paying attention to for the Hawaii race, where wetsuits are not allowed, are different from Ironman Wisconsin, where wetsuits (which almost all have neoprene) are completely allowed and within the rules.  I was not a cheater.  I would still be racing in Hawaii but I was still in a little bit of shock over the whole thing.  Was I really still in?  For some stupid reason, it took me a couple days to actually believe this again.  I went to the participants list on the website and I was still listed but it stated “last updated August 28”.  Little help there. 

Charle (he forgoes the 'i' when spelling his name) and Jon certainly meant no malice in this.  They thought it was a simple prank that I’d be smart enough to pick up on.  They obviously overlooked my naivety.  While this took its toll on my Saturday workout, I can’t be bitter toward these guys.  I have a ton of respect and love for both of them.  They have really been in my corner throughout everything over the past few years.  Charle has done stretching and osteopathic manipulations on me before races and covered my home calls for me while I was training, and Jon was among the first to help me celebrate last year after I returned from Ironman Wisconsin and has also stepped in to help me out with switching clinics for vacation or family stuff.  It is with support from friends like that by which I can train and compete while in residency.  It did make me feel a little better, however, when they each told their significant others about what they had done and subsequently gotten yelled at.  Thanks Jen & Brit for sticking up for me.

My approach to training

I started this blog about 3 weeks ago but have been inundated with applications for fellowship and as you can see it is quite long and I hadn’t an opportunity to finish it until now.

With just over five weeks to go  I still have a couple weeks to squeak out a little more fitness before I need to taper. 

One of the most frequently asked questions I get is “How do you do all this training?”  This question usually comes in two forms: the logistical and the psychological. 

To tackle the easier questions of logistics first, it largely comes from the support I get from my girlfriend, Melissa.  Between her and my dad, they were the ones, with support of my extended family in Madison last year after Ironman Wisconsin, who convinced me to accept my position for Ironman Hawaii.  Since then she has been a constant support of me and my training and does everything possible to make it easier for me to train well.  I wake up early (somewhere between 3:30 and 5:15), go to be as early as possible (9 to 11pm), and dinner is commonly on the table 10 minutes after I get home.  My training is certainly not my burden alone; she has had to bear a lot of the burden as well.   Her weekend mornings are frequently spent in solitude (maybe she likes it that way) while I’m out biking, her vacations have also been balanced with my training, she doesn't enjoy dessert as much these days for no good reason but that I don't want to eat it, she frequently gets woken up by my alarm, she puts up with my dirty workout clothes and bike frequently inside our place when I do maintenance on it or work out in the living room...as much as she doesn't say it, I imagine she is looking forward to having this race completed so she can get me back and get rid of all these inconveniences for a while.  She says she is my Official Food Supplier—which I cannot disagree with, as she makes sure I’m well-fed and makes amazing dishes from scratch that completely blow my mind, especially when they are all very healthy.  I tell her repeatedly how I think she has to open up a restaurant someday to highlight her dishes.  As an example, last week when I didn't feel like going out she made an amazing homemade meal just to my liking (you can see some of her handiwork in the pics--not included in these pics is the homemade bread she made as an accompaniment).  

Scallops and crab cakes in the same meal!  I'm spoiled.

While Melissa has made it as easy as possible for me to balance home life, there is still work to contend with.  Fortunately for me, my work schedule has been a little bit lighter lately given the rotations I’m on in my residency the past two months.  This has allowed me to put in at least one long workout each week (typically 5-7 hours) in order to further develop my endurance.  During the week I get in about a one to two hour workout to kickstart my day. 

The second form of that question is my mental approach to training.  Training for an ironman triathlon is a constant battle with training a tired body with a fatigued mind.  That has been the challenge thus far up until about 2 weeks ago.  Now with five weeks left, I need to get the most out of my workouts, with a special emphasis on quality over quantity.  The new struggle for me is to hold back in many of my sessions.  Each workout is supposed to be either hard or easy, nothing in between now.  Oftentimes I don’t feel great but still have a desire to go harder.  This is often not productive as it decreases today’s workout and further limits tomorrows.  These next two week’s workouts are the most important of all my training this past year.  It is putting in race-like efforts in as near as race-like conditions as possible.  The long efforts months ago were solely to get me to the point where I can go hard now without injury.  Hopefully I can keep it going to put together a good package on race day.

When doing lots of volume (as in a few months ago), I try not to think about the distances or times too much.  The most important thing for me to do is just get out the door and just keep going.  I plan out my workouts decently in advance but I try not to expend too much mental effort in most of those sessions, not letting the highs get too high or the lows too low, as it would quickly lead to burnout.  I’ve felt a twinge of that a couple times this year but it’s always reversed after a day off and a good night’s sleep—obviously this wasn’t too severe as that has all it has taken for me to get over it.  Many times if this comes on strong, it can lead to weeks to months of flatlining and the only respite is time off.  This is a tough place to be. 

Maintaining a consistent effort on a 5 hour bike ride may seem boring, and yes it really is.  You can get used to it though.  The best way to improve my capacity to endure monotony is to endure monotony.  Aside from an inconsistent schedule, this is my excuse for why I largely train alone.  This means I try to go as long as possible without radio or music; sometimes it is for an entire bike ride, sometimes it is half-way through the bike that I’ll turn on the radio (typically NPR or Mike & Mike in the Morning).  Music for me is reserved for when I really want to push and always less than one-hour in duration, lest it lose its effect.  Other times my quest for monotony is best served by doing indoor workouts on my bike trainer, where boredom far outlasts the best movie, music, or computer.  

My indoor training facility, with computer and TV close by.

Of particular importance at this time for me is trying to hone in on motivating forces in my life and use those to key my training rides and build them up in my mind for race day.  When shit hits the fan on raceday and my mind is screaming at me to stop, it is the support I get from my family and friends that I know will pull me through along with the knowledge I did everything I could to make myself mentally stronger.  What really keeps me going in my training is the desire to 1) hit my potential for this race and 2) represent all of my family and friends who’ve supported me throughout this past year by asking about my training and wishing me their best.  Thirdly, I hope that with a solid race I will somehow be able to justify the commitments I’ve made this past year.  One fear I have regarding the race is that if I don’t perform well, I won’t enjoy it.  There are many things beyond my control during a race such as the Ironman and I need to change this outlook somehow before I go to Hawaii.    

Reminded by Rudyard Kipling's “If”…

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same.

I want to enjoy this race regardless of my performance.  When I cross the finish line, I want to smile the same whether I exceed my greatest expectations or fall flat on my face on race day and barely finish in the 17hrs.  I may never get this opportunity again; I will never have the opportunity to train like I have this past year…there will always be more obligations, more responsibilities, other commitments.  Now is my opportunity. 

As part of building up keep mental successes, I keep a daily journal.  It is not elaborate or profound.  Sometimes only 5 lines to highlight 5 things each day.  #1: What I enjoyed about the day.  #2: How I did something for someone else today.  #3:  How did I challenge myself today?  #4: How I made myself better for this ironman race.  #5: What I need to do to improve for the ironman. 

These things remind me to find enjoyment in something every day and to not be selfish while doing this selfish pursuit.  Of particular attention I pay to #3.  As I get ready for this endeavor, I will re-read all the challenges I’ve faced and conquered.  Sometimes knowing there is a challenge ahead is all I need to face it and get over it.  Today my challenge was getting into Lake Michigan without a wetsuit for a 3 mile swim.  It went horrible.  When I started, it was 5:30 am, dark, and no one else around.  It was also slow which did not make me happy; it took me a full 20 minutes longer than it usually does because I got distracted and did not concentrate on my form.  This is what I need to improve.   

Another part of the mental strength is giving up desserts.  It is not that I don't have the room in my diet.  I typically eat between 4000 and 6000 calories a day and am still losing weight.  The reason I don't eat dessert these days is that I absolutely love dessert.  Just like it is difficult to get into the dark water of Lake Michigan on a breezy 5:30 morning, it is difficult for me to say no to dessert, but doing both make me mentally stronger and I will pull those strengths on raceday. 

I had a brief chat with a good friend today discussing the mental versus physical components of doing an ironman.  I know it sounds cliché, but I think finishing an ironman is nearly 90% mental.  The faster you race the ironman, the higher the percentage the physical becomes as a result of your training but to do the length and do it well, I really think the emphasis is on the mental aspects.  Certainly at this point in time, as has been for the past 2 months or so, I’ve given more effort to the mental aspects of it rather than the physical.  As I discovered four years ago training for my first Ironman, I discovered that at some nondescript point in training, you cross a threshold where you simply know you’re going to finish.  You’ve put the work in and just feel it.  That is the confidence that comes with the training.  But sequestering the mind when it is screaming to slow down during the middle of the race is completely in my head.  That is the triumph you experience when crossing the finish line.  That’s the emotion loved ones feel in the jubilance of the finishers.  That’s the reason for the drive throughout this past year and what I hope to experience once again in five short weeks.